it’s healthy to doubt, sometimes

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circa early 2012

I’ll admit, the past 3 years have been filled with so much self-doubt, self-pity, and just overall confusion. When I first received the news that I had been diagnosed with this rare, incurable autoimmune disease, I constantly preached my love of God to people and my hope and faith in Him. Everybody was so inspired by my story, my pictures, the way I kept a smile on my face. But eventually, that smile started fading. It became stale, and I had to look into the mirror and face the real Devri that I was so afraid to acknowledge.

About 6 months into my new lifestyle change (because of my illness), I started questioning if God had forgotten about me. I didn’t know exactly what was going on and I let that question float in my head all day freely. That one question led me to other mishaps that resulted in my behavior change, a deep depression, and mistreating my mind and body.

I couldn’t get a hold of myself. I thought it was my physical body that I had no control over, but it was really my mentality that had wandered and rebelled against myself. Was I a hypocrite? I’d been so firm about my positive beliefs that I began to wonder if people were buying my whole happy act anymore.

Looking back on a year and two ago, I can remember certain facial expressions of people when I would tell them what I was going through with my help. For the most part, I’m sure I wasn’t fooling anybody. They knew I had faith in God, but they also knew I was human and I wasn’t happy at all. I was mad. I hated everything and everyone in my world. But can you blame me? I can’t. In fact, the whole experience has taught me something definitely: I am human, I am allowed to feel sorrow and hurt. I am totally allowed to feel low at times.

The purpose of which we are all here on Earth for is unbeknownst to us; however, we must continue to live our lives as we see fit. Nobody and nothing happens on accident. As long as we continue to keep that in mind, that lessens the chance of regret, self-doubt, and self-pity.

what is your biggest dilemma within yourself that you want to mend? tweet me & tell me!

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