This past weekend I got a new tattoo. I went by myself because to me, getting tatted is an opportunity to share some much needed one-on-one time with the deepest crevices of my mind. I’m not in remission yet with my illness (meaning I’m not cleared of the disease being ‘inactive’ yet), so I’m sure my doctors would all advise strongly against it. But still, I chose to volunteer myself to receive a quick flicker of pain in order to further express myself through what I call my personal art gallery.
Anyone who has gotten a tattoo knows what I’m talking about when I explain those pre-tat/piercing jitters that you get literally right before the session starts.
And then all of a sudden, my “take care of yourself, Devri” instinct kicks in and now as a result, I am completely still but the nerves in my body are acting up.
I’ll be frank and to the point. I sometimes forget that I’m sick. Not like, really forget–but it is easy for me to ignore the signs and symptoms I face throughout my day. I like to talk about it, don’t get me wrong, that’s how I cope–but as far as actually accepting the fact that my health condition is classified as incurable, chronic, disease… all of these words, I hear all the time. But I’m not quite sure if I’m still in denial, or I’ve just become numb to it. Or perhaps, God has given me a cloak of confidence which has prevented me from accepting or claiming this illness.
I want to be as normal as humanly possible.
Even if I’ll be paying for it later. I still go out, I still drink, dance, and try to have fun with friends. I’m not a bad person, I enjoy doing those things. There was a period in my life when I stayed in bed day in and day out for a whole year because of sick I was. I couldn’t walk sometimes, I couldn’t see or even think sometimes because I was literally being blinded with a cloud of pain all the time.
Now it’s been nearly 4 years since my diagnosis, since my life has changed completely. My path has never been the same, and it won’t be. I’m aware of that.
I know the prognosis that my team of doctors gives me isn’t always positive, but really–what do they know about my future? Truth of the matter is, nobody knows.
What helps me push through my day at full speed and perseverance is my faith. I think by practicing trust and faith in the Lord on a daily basis helps to keep me worry-free about things that are truly not in my control. How I may respond to something, how someone or something may respond to me–nothing will affect me negatively if I can help it. And part of building that type of armor starts with speaking your own strength into existence.
God is always listening, and He is always watching.
He knows we’re going to fall before we slip. He is already prepared to help us up. But we have free will, so he will not stop us from taking the risk of walking with 7 inch heels on cobblestone. Or getting a tattoo with chronic pain and illness. He lets us do what we feel is necessary, but there’s always a root in the reason for why it is happening. And eventually He gives us the ability to believe that we can conquer it all, because we start to trust His word and have faith in the fact that He will always be there.
We always have the shield of protection over us, it just takes some time to realize it. But once you acknowledge that God is on your side, you won’t ever fail.