love. perception. disappointment. heartbreak.

please support my fight for appealing SSI gofundme.com/devrisfight IMG_0942

In the words of Third Eye Blind, How’s it gonna be when you don’t know me anymore?

Yesterday I received a prayer book in the mail from a friend of the family. The very first page I opened to has a prayer with today’s date on it, so fitting and applicable for my current mindset.

Tuesday May 26, 2015: LOVE.

Through the power of my thoughts, I can alter my perception of the world. Where I once may have seen anger, jealousy, or fear, I not can perceive the presence of Love. My outlook changes as I become more aware of God expressing through us all. 

I intentionally look for examples of love in my world. As I observe people in their daily interactions, I notice strangers holding doors open for one another; parents hugging their children as they get off school buses; store clerks making friendly conversation with customers.

As I focus on gestures of kindness, my awareness of the goodness in life grows. My life is transformed by Love.

If we love one another, God lives in us, and his love is perfected in us. – 1 John 4:12

2015 has been quite a year for me so far. In January I ended a 2-year relationship with someone who still means a lot to my heart; however, the need for growth and separation between us was necessary. As bittersweet as it initially was, I am dealing with a lot in regards to finances and my health situation.

I still get my treatment once a month and take the necessary medication to keep myself as unaffected by my disease on the day-to-day as possible. But everyday I face the daunting reality of medical bills on top of medical bills–it is a swarm of lucid nightmares that I have been so desperately attempting to escape from.

The only problem is, it is my reality, a cause for having that familiar breaking heart feeling in your chest you get on a daily basis when you know you are pitted against a raging merciless government body of unfair encumbrance.

Perhaps this has been a solid second coming of the test of endurance, patience, and gratitude that I have faced since getting diagnosed with Takayasu’s in 2011.

And this time, the test is of different proportion. It isn’t me and my faith against my decaying body– it’s me, my healing body, and my faith against Social Security.

This daily prayer has literally opened my heart today to new possibilities. I want to regain my peace and my faith in the system; the hope I once had is withering away almost as quickly as my percentage of making it to see 25 were 4 years ago (the doctors claimed 40% chance of living–my God claimed I’d be completely free of this disease soon enough. My bets are on God, whatcha think?)

Sometimes we tend to put an unhealthy amount of spotlight on the things and people that we know hinder our capabilities for growth. Through some self-reflection, it’s important that we talk to ourselves every chance we get. Through a relationship with someone greater than us, we can feel the vibes of where our energy should be channeled; a moment of clarity or an epiphany, if you will. With this guidance from self and God, we can acknowledge what and who our mind, soul, and body needs in this world. We also understand what and who we can do without. Freeing up space for the unnecessary is vital for room for improvement. While it is easier said than done, our perception of each individual situation certainly can help us to make an easier, more solid decision.

By nature, we are all creatures of habit.

It’s so easy to fall in and out of a habit, too. For me, I once shined so bright in my own world–even the ugliest of situations or people allowed me an opportunity to showcase the true glory I felt from the inside of my soul. Today, that’s not always the case. Given certain situations I’ve been in the past year, I can admit how difficult it has been to always just see the good in everything or everyone around me. This has driven my tolerance to an all-time low. My patience is practically non-existent. I have gotten comfortable in ‘bad’ habits of mines, and it is only whenever I change my perception that I realize what I need to change about–well, me.

My life used to be transformed by love. Now? Not so much. I used to be an open book, I once got a kick out of sharing my story and testimony openly to even strangers in hopes of touching their own lives and perception of the world. With certain roadblocks in my own heart that have been created either by myself or by circumstance, I have numbed myself to the potential for growth–with certain aspects. How did I get to this? I ask myself this more often than I ever did.

The key to it all is perception. And kindness.

I know I need to get completely back to that. We all have slip-ups, and just because I am going through whatever I’m dealing with in my personal life should not deem themselves as excuses for me to hold onto a grudge or be bitter about anything. Focusing acting out of love, and my potential for growth and even more success will eventually lead me to my final destination quicker than doing so while carrying all of these heavy burdens on my back.

What transforms your world– your inner world (mind and soul), and the outer world around you (events, situations)

 

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