“if it’s my rain, then it’s my shower.” pusha t
Sometimes when my mind rewinds time unexpectedly, I feel a sudden urge to get up and go wash my hands.
I know I am truly blessed for multiple free passes. But blessed doesn’t equal grateful or filled with compassion; that is a reaction that admittedly, I have lacked at times (though seldom).
I tilt my head back, let my eyelids fall down heavily, and my expanded chest releases a sigh of relief.
And some of these situations I replay in my head… they weren’t my fault. I won’t sell myself that short of performing mishaps and empty promises to self. But a lot of them… yeah. The premises for which they occurred seem pretty shaky.
I run a quick errand on my lunch break. (Every “lunch break” is really my time for running errands because, hey. I pride myself for my immaculate time management skills–I want to grow the menu before I feel totally comfortable eating off it. You feel me?)
An old acquaintance is the cashier at the kiosk I’m picking up some items up at. I pull my money out to pay.
Before handing my receipt and closing out the transaction on the basis of me being an emotionless, memory-less and remorseless customer with no previous ties to her, she quickly recalls a time when I wasn’t so nice to her. “You still my nigga though. I got you whenever you come back. My 50% discount. I got you.”
Hmm. That’s a bet. Duly noted, ma’am.
As bad as my recollections of certain events truly is, I just so happen to know exactly what she is talking about. And while my expression and body language tell otherwise, a swift ounce of guilt makes my soul cringe. And I hate to say it, but it’s not even because I actually feel bad for the situation in which she is referring to. More so, I am embarrassed in her willingness to accept what happened and extend an olive branch out while I dismiss any such behavior and move along with the rest of my day.
I do a random, odd head nod at her. No words. At the time, I’m thinking, this is an ode of appreciation. She knows I am not ready to apologize or acknowledge what happened. She’ll understand.
But maybe next month when I have to visit her kiosk again–and perhaps I’ll be prepared to move forward on let go of my petty grudge–she will no longer be employed there? What if she passes away? Or what if I do? As much as I’d like to comfort some readers here with the these are exaggerations, but you get what I mean disclaimer, we all know that this is, in fact, no exaggeration.
Time is of the essence. If anything, at least you deserve to rest your negativity in peace. Treat your soul’s health like you do your skin, or your hair or body. Let it glow through your behaviors and actions. Cleanse and purify your harmful thoughts of bitterness and negativity. Do not allow them to live in you. These feelings serve zero purpose for a productive, energetic, fulfilling life. You may not feel the urge to apologize with words, and that is understandable. Either way, you can show them better than you can tell them.
Negativity, see your way out. You get the head nod of acknowledgment, but now you gotta get up outta here. Peace.
photos of yours truly by rashad white
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