No, I am not dead. I am alive.

This year was my apology letter.

I did not realize how badly I needed to sit down with past regrets and decisions in reflection of the wrongs they possessed. I had no idea that, although I had good intentions and the root of all of my actions came from the same beautiful, eager to love heart, they weren’t always… good.

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For once in years I was forced to acknowledge the sensation of wings at rest. They felt cold against a part of my back that was forgotten; I was so used to them being in constant motion. During my relocation to New York City, no less, they claimed my attention from what began as soft whispers to rampant, violent shrieks of concern.

Is this my punishment? Is it going to be enough?

Here I am, in the hospital on Day 12. No one has come to check on me, not a nurse, not a friend or a family member. I cannot reach the light switch or my food or the remote control with this obnoxious IV connecting my arm to a box in the wall. Therefore, I have no physical choice but to practice relinquishing all freedom I have ever known.

This is what solitary confinement feels like, I suppose.

Is this stay supposed to rehabilitate me, or add, to my level of stress? I have been desperate to shift the perspective of this narrative in my mind although it has been running from my grip, shivering in a corner and asking me to go away. For once in my entire career of survival, hope has decided to abandon me. And now self-pity — depression — has taken a seat upon my heart valves while a blood clot has formed in the pit of my stomach where my once trusty instinct had residence for a point in time.

No, I am not dead yet.

This awareness has led me to give myself a release date. I shall be free from affliction, and I know I will not only survive, I will thrive.

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I just got out of the hospital after 12 days of complications related to my chronic illness, Takayasu’s Arteritis. Please assist me in share my story to anyone who may be willing to listen or lend a helping hand. Visit my gofundme page for more information and follow me on social media @devrivelazquez for updates on my progress. Stay tuned and thank you for all of your endless support and compassion.

5 Comments

  1. Love you a lot. To see you grow into the woman you are now is amazing. I’m so proud of you Devri. This visit is nothing to a boss. You know you’ve come to far to ever feel like giving up or sad about anything. Your success will continue! I am already applauding you, love.

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